Thursday, February 28, 2013

The Waiting Game

I started a post a few weeks ago (when I was about 38 weeks), and I have been debating whether or not to post it. I wrote it mostly to vent and get my emotions out. Writing really helps me focus and see things from a bigger perspective. Often just writing about a situation will help me get over it and move on.

So anyways, I wasn't really planning on posting this, but decided that I want to remember all aspects (good and bad) of pregnancy and remember at least a small part of how I was feeling.

Written on Feb. 11, 2013:

"I think I've hit another really rough spell this week. I've been super depressed, grumpy, and short on patience. The smallest things will set me off and I have to keep reminding myself to calm down and not do something I would regret.

A big part has to do simply with being completely exhausted ALL THE TIME. With or without a toddler at home, this pregnancy is draining every ounce of energy I have. Throw in a toddler, and I get downright miserable to be around. Throw in a toddler who has started waking up several times during the night, as well as refusing to take a single nap during the day, and I lose it.

I'm extremely emotional which also doesn't help. A few days ago, I was so overwhelmed that I had to go lock myself in my bedroom just to escape for a moment. I sat on my bed, plugged my ears as tight as I could to drown out Will's screams, and I just tried to calm myself down. After a few long minutes I went out to get Will and I dinner. Will had dumped our garbage out on the kitchen floor. I tried to remain calm. Then as we were eating, he kept dropping pizza to add to our already disaster of a floor. I lost it and bawled like a little baby. Overreaction? Of course. All I wanted at that moment was a somewhat clean house. I was disgusted with the "place" I was living in and hated the environment it was creating. And while I knew it was an "easy" fix (I mean, all I had to do was get off my butt and start cleaning), I couldn't make myself do it. I sat there on the couch, miserable and upset, yet not doing a thing about it.

But I feel like I'm no longer in control of my emotions. I find myself angry at Will for the dumbest things, then it makes me angry and disappointed in myself that I haven't controlled myself better. And it spirals out of control.

I'm way done with being pregnant. Yet I don't really want a baby yet. I'm afraid that it'll only make things worse and that I'll be even more out of control."

Fortunately for me and my family, that emotional low only lasted a day or two. But boy were those few days rough, on everyone. I understand I was only 38 weeks along and I shouldn't have expected my baby until 40 weeks, but I was ready to be done. I was sick of being told how close I was when every day felt like weeks.

Even though I wasn't dilated much, I convinced my doctor to induce me a week early. The earliest he was allowed was the 16th (one week before my due date), but because he was going to be out of town, the earliest he could do it was the 18th. And even though that was only a week away, it still sounded like a lifetime. I did everything to try to get labor started, but nothing worked. On Tuesday night (the 12th), I started having contractions. They lasted between 40-60 seconds and were coming about every 3-5 minutes. I remember being told to go into hospital when contractions are about that far apart and have lasted over an hour. After about 40 minutes of this, they stopped completely. Talk about a major letdown.

I became so desperate that I even called the hospital and asked if there was anyway that another doctor could induce me so that they could do it on the 16th. Two days earlier sounded much more doable. They said no, unless there was a medical emergency. It's what I expected, but I was still bummed.

Luckily, the last part of the week went extremely well and I was pretty happy. Lance and I were able to go out on a last date on Valentine's Day, then my mom came into town on Saturday. Once she got here, I was much more stable and content to wait until Monday for my induction. I think a major part of my depression was me tired of being alone all the time. I'm a very social person, and it's difficult for me to be alone all day, most days. So having my mom around for a few days was great because it gave me someone to talk to.

I seemed to get a lot of mixed reactions when people found out I was getting induced a few days early for no reason. I know a lot of people avoid getting induced at all costs and think it should only be done if it's an emergency. For the sake of my mental well-being, it is a good thing I got induced. Obviously, if getting induced wasn't an option, I likely would have lived until the baby decided to come on her own. (However unlikely that seemed at the time.) And even though my induction didn't go as smoothly as I would've liked, I don't regret my decision and would do it again in a heartbeat.

Every woman handles pregnancy different. Some women absolutely love being pregnant and handle everything great. Others are sick and miserable the entire 9 months. While I complain and sometimes dislike being pregnant, I realize what a blessing it is. So many people struggle to even get pregnant and would happily endure the woes of pregnancy. I am grateful for my kids. I am extremely blessed to have had two smooth pregnancies and two healthy babies. I know things could be so much worse. It's times like this when things are so rough that I really need to remember to focus on the things I have and the miracles that are in my life everyday. It's sad how we can waste so much time focusing on the tiny negative aspects and forget the huge blessings.

As I look back now, it's easy to forget and think "oh, it wasn't that bad". And I know that many people probably looked at me and thought the exact same thing. What could you possibly have to complain about? And honestly, there probably was nothing for me to complain about. Sure I was uncomfortable, but that is part of pregnancy. I wasn't constantly throwing up. I was never put on bed-rest  Things always looked good for my baby, and complications never came up. For the most part, I was still able to do everything I wanted and function pretty normal. Nevertheless, I found myself extremely depressed and unable to do much about it. Even at the time, I realized that there was no reason to be so down, but it didn't make any difference.

In a few months, I'll likely look back on my pregnancy and only remember the good things. When people ask how my pregnancy went, I'll tell them it was great. (And for the most part it was). However, I wanted to remember some of the other little details as well.

How's that for a long, put-you-to-sleep kind of post? Kudos to you if you actually made it to the end.

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